Television commercials advertise the fact that the folks behind them have a perspective of the world we live in which is often bizarre, utterly sexist, racist and archaic but never rational.

The following is but a small sample of the stereotypes as seen and perpetuated by American TV advertising agencies. Part of the problem?

Unmarried women:

You have perfectly white teeth.

You never wear over a size-four.

You never wear less than a D-cup.

Your face looks like it was created using stained glass and melted wax.

Your hair moves all by itself and in slow motion (bouncing, flowing backwards, shimmering and turning somersaults).

You never cover your legs or arms with anything. Ever.

Your walk is never anything but seductive.

You exist only to walk seductively by a man or group of men drinking beer.

You are not self-aware and have no intelligence to speak of.

When in the shower, you make shaving your legs seem like the sort of graceful gymnastics a performer at Cirque Du Soleil would be proud of.

When in the shower you never shave your armpits or wash anything but your waist, neck and thighs.

You work in an office but make absolutely no decisions other than on which side of the photo-copier to walk seductively.

Married women:

You have perfectly white teeth.

You are the only one in the house who cleans the toilet.

But you can't clean the toilet without the help of an animated man with exaggerated biceps.

Despite laying claim to four-dozen children, you never wear more than a size-four.

You suffer from continual menstrual problems which you discuss with your size-four friends obnoxiously loudly in restaurants while eating absolutely nothing at all.

You suffer from menstrual problems because the periods you have are blue in color.

Your children never have an unkind word to say about you, smile whenever you tell them to do something and when they invite about 40 of their friends over for a glass of Sunny Delight, you are only too happy to cater to the lot of them.

Your husband is congenitally and irretrievably stupid and says or does ridiculous completely off-the wall things, such as deliberately spill items of food and dirt on the floor so that he can mop them up. These and other acts make you simply laugh and say “Oh Honey!"

Unmarried men:

You have perfectly white teeth.

You are never older than 24.

You drink beer and nothing else. Ever.

You are only capable of two words: “Woooooo!” and "Yeeeeeaah".

You enjoy nothing but sports.

You eat nothing but over-sized hamburgers and 18-pound steaks with perfectly-parallel grilled lines.

You never have long hair.

You never have pierced ears.

You leer with all the subtlety of an arrow through the neck.

When not drinking beer in a bar, you spend your time throwing yourself off the San Francisco Bay bridge, Niagara Falls or El Capitan saved from certain death only by a small rubber band.

Married men:

You have perfectly white teeth.

You have only slightly thinning hair.

You have tanned, leathery-looking skin.

At home you never clean the toilet or anything at all but instead say/do stupid/ridiculous things.

You invariably suffer from some form of erectile dysfunction which severely hampers your golf handicap or your fly-fishing holidays.

Sex never happens until the moment is right.

At work, you don’t actually work. You look up insurance companies online while eating breakfast cereal so you can’t hear yourself being fired because you played a trick on your co-workers that wasn't even accidentally funny. Your boss is always over 60, in a constant state of anger and never calls you by your first name. Your last name is always “Johnson”.

When called upon to provide subtle humor, you need to be a “character”. In other words you must be either overweight (but not obscenely) underweight (but not horrendously) have a big nose (but not too terribly) a chubby face (but not amazingly) and a silly way of looking at the world that was mildly amusing the first time but loses its comedy by midway into the second viewing.

Retirees:

You never show your teeth.

You can’t do a thing for yourself – at all.

Nursing homes are happy places where you can still live like a 20-year-old, no one abuses you and you can do what you want when you want.

You and your spouse have decided it’s time to buy insurance because you are both about to die any second and leaving your kids with the bill for caskets, headstones and floral arrangements makes you a pair of selfish pricks.

Your spouse is dead and didn’t buy insurance and has left you with nothing to live for except the Life-Alert phone operator. You keep falling down just for the company.

Your urine is blue in color.

Kids:

You have perfectly white teeth.

You never have an unkind word to say to anyone.

As babies you never ever cry.

Your urine is blue and you actually enjoy liquefied carrots and turkey.

As a teenage-girl, you always wear pink and no other color.

As a boy, you stop aging at 11. In fact teenage-boys don’t exist, except to smile when they pass teenage-girls who promptly squeal in a grating manner.

When eating breakfast you can always be assured of the company of a wacky cartoon character.

Your toys never break no matter what you do to them.

You not only own a Barbie house but have constructed an entire miniature world around it including a fully manicured lawn, blue sunny skies, oak trees, a four-car garage and a duck pond.

Animals:

Dogs kept by the ASPCA are in a state of perpetual depression which might be helped if they were let out of their cages for a run instead of being forced to hold for the camera.

It might also help them if the Sarah McLachlan music was switched off.

If you don’t send any money to us then you are just one heartless bastard. Go ahead and enjoy that Chinese take-out. We hope you choke.

Dogs never take a crap.

Cats are only ever seen emerging from taking a crap.

When dogs shake after getting wet, they always do so in slow-motion.

Panthers like hanging around with and turning-on unmarried women.

Lions, jaguars and cheetahs all run in slow-motion but can keep up with a sports-car driving through the Serengeti at 125 mph.

Food:

What you mean vegetarians actually exist?

Lobster and crab-legs can only be cracked in slow-motion and in a way makes them look like they are surfing in the butter rather than just being dipped in it.

Steaks bounce around a few times before settling onto a griddle.

There is no way in hell that the same dish as seen on TV and the one delivered by the waiter/fast food server will look even accidentally similar.

When eating at a TGI Friday's or Chili's, it is customary to hold food up to your lips but not actually take a bite.

Somehow the average four-hour wait-time for a table and the list you keep coming back and checking every two minutes is left out.

Women never want to eat anything more than a Yoplait and a small packet of croutons.

Ethnic food has no appeal unless a chain restaurant or Campbell's have done something banal with the recipe.

Cars:

Women don’t drive sports cars. They drive only SUVs and minivans.

Cars never need a wash.

Cars are made to take curves at speeds a half-wasted NASCAR-driver would balk at.

The only drivers of cars are stuntmen on a ‘professional course’. No one else should ‘attempt to drive’.

Cars don’t drive on roads with traffic. The roads are always devoid of other cars.

Failing a road, you can always see a car in the middle of the Sahara Desert, trying to drive down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, trying to drive up the side of Mount Everest, or negotiating its way through a South American rain forest.

Ethnicities:

Unmarried Black men: You are a rap artist and incapable of doing anything else. You are certainly never seen painting, on a stage, making a new scientific discovery, making an information technology breakthrough, engaging in company or political leadership or anything else real-world Black men do exceptionally well.

Unmarried Black women: Occasionally seen in the company of a larger group of unmarried White women seductively passing a group of unmarried White men or getting wasted. You are certainly never seen painting, on a stage, making a new scientific discovery, making an information technology breakthrough, engaging in company or political leadership or anything else real-world Black women do exceptionally well.

Married Black men: You spend hours barbecuing after a day 'keeping the lights on' for a railroad or some other only blue-collar job.

Married Black women: You can sometimes be seen in soft focus behind your barbecuing husband.

Latino/a: You are the voice of something needing added sex-appeal. We just can't show your face and certainly not if you are painting, on a stage, making a new scientific discovery, making an information technology breakthrough, engaging in company or political leadership or anything else that real-world Latino/as do exceptionally well.

LGBT's: Only if you're famous like Ellen and.......well, like Ellen. As long as she is not seen 'doing things' on camera with another woman like holding-hands, kissing or anything else the one million moms who hold our leashes decide is a naughty-no-no, then we're just as progressive as the rest of the country.

French: There is only one French person in the entire world and Vidal Sassoon has him under contract.

Italian: You can only be found eating Ragu at an Olive Garden or making Ragu at the Olive Garden in Palermo, Sicily because that’s what your grandmother used to do.

Asian/East Indian/Middle Eastern/Eskimo/Native American - ??????????

_{This article is not available in Alaska, Hawaii or Puerto Rico. Not all marketing companies are alike, side effects from reading include headaches, vomiting, suicidal thoughts, diarrhea and certain death. Offer to react to this article only valid for 21 seconds, you must be 18 or older to read it, please check with your doctor before engaging in anything related to this article. Batteries not included, this has been a dramatization and actual results will vary.}

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